[Personal Log:] A Dream is but a Dream... for peggy_carter

[stark_spangled]

Steve feels like he's just getting back on his feet. Not that he'd ever willingly admit it out loud, but losing Peggy for the second time in a row was hard on him. It took the better part of two years to get over her after waking up the first time ... and only then because he could see her, and talk to her in D.C. (once he worked up the nerve to pick up the phone). Even if time had different plans for them than dancing at the Stork Club and sharing a kiss on V-E Day, he still considered her one of his closest friends and most trusted confidantes.

And then he came here, and there she was. Not retired Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. Margaret Carter, but Peggy. His Peggy. Like looking back through time at the second chance they never got.

And he squandered it.

There's a part of him who believes he did the right thing. She lived a life after he "died". A good life, full of family, children, love; a life where she rose to all of her aspirations, not that he ever doubted she would. Director Carter. He's damn proud of her for that. Everyone on this ship talks about getting home, stopping Q, and could Steve have lived with himself if he took Peggy away from that life because he selfishly wanted his second chance? He finally broke down, asked her on a date, and maybe it was fate punishing him that sent Peg home before that date ever happened. Still, there's some other part of him that will always kick himself wondering what if?

It's taken a few months to stop brooding, mostly at the prodding and eye-rolling of his friends on board, but he thinks maybe things can get back to the way they were. Maybe he can move on this time.


And then he sees her again.

He's walking out of the room he shares with Akito on his way to the gym, pocketing an iPod that's going to run out of battery life eventually, when he catches her going into a room a few doors away out of the corner of his eye. Maybe he's just seeing things, but the way his chest constricts and his mouth turns to cotton is without reason.

"Peg?" he calls, twin lines forming between his brows, watching and waiting to see if the apparition turns back.

Comments

[peggy_carter]

So they had both spent a lifetime trying to offer something that would be worthy of the other. It seemed odd that they they had known each other such a short time and had formed such a deep attachment. Or perhaps it was the very nature of how they had come to know each other that had contributed to their depth of feelings. They worked surrounded by death, deception and war it was perhaps a personal rebellion that they could see the future beyond it as something sunny.

But there was something to the fact that he had held on to those feelings so far into the future with so many other distractions and possibilities, was flattering. And it offered her hope of things that might come of this future, in this strange new world.

Her wistful thoughts were cut shirt with his movement, she was sure he was simply wiping a piece of dust or perhaps an errant bit if fluff form her. But instead he touched her hair, there was no way to feel such contact be even so she had to remind herself to breathe. How was it men had laid on far more charm or been far more involved with her in the course of a mission and yet his slightest action elicited such a reaction from her. Howard would chalk it up to the laws of attraction or some such, with a salacious grin she was sure.

His answer is not what she might have wanted to hear, but it also held another promise. "Life has no guarantees anytime. But this at least provides us with a chance. And if I am to return to a life outside of this with no memory more than I had before then there is no way for anything here to interfere with any life I might have upon that return. What we have here, as I see it, is a situation in which the risk is as level as any we may ever have." And not trying would be more painful than any loss she could face from trying.

[stark_spangled]

It's his unquenchable hope that drew him to fight in the war in the first place. He always saw the thing worth fighting for, not the thing worth fighting. Peggy's thoughts aren't far from the mark -- you could blame his optimism or his inherent goodness, but everything he's done, from falling in love in the middle of war to just surviving, has been an act of rebellion.

He's young, and he's a little old-fashioned, but his feelings aren't a passing whim. They didn't need time on their side for him to figure out how he felt about her.

And even though he'd thought out every outcome, he'd somehow missed Peggy's conclusion. He opens his mouth and then stops, the weight of that realization sinking in. On the one hand, it lifts so much guilt and responsibility off his shoulders thinking that he won't disrupt her future; on the other, there's a quick jab of jealousy in his gut at the thought that she could go home and forget him and meet her ... other him. The opposing feelings war inside of him for a few moments until he gathers his wits, clearing his throat.

Life has no guarantees anytime. He puts on a smile for her, and looks up through his lashes. "Sounds practical."

He thinks about reaching for her hand again, but isn't sure if that would be too much too fast, so he leaves it resting by his side. If this is another act of rebellion -- against fate, against time -- he'll make it a good one.

"Do you want to go dancing sometime?"

[peggy_carter]

Life was worth fighting for, and the things that give life meaning. She had devoted herself to her work so much that she had begun to lose sight of those things. The simple joys of spending time with people who matter in your life, or sharing a dance. These things were what filled the long hours of life that could otherwise lose focus.

She was willing to give him whatever time he needed, as far as she was concerned he would always be the love of her life. She had given up on that dream before, but never on the attachment of her feelings.

"Love should be anything but practical. Like falling for a man who looked like he could be knocked over by a stiff breeze." She countered. "But somethings just happen." Not that she regretted it at all, Steve had always been exceptional even if it hadn't always been for his physicality. At least she had seen what more there was to him, she felt lucky to have been in the place to do so.

His invitation was, well it was shocking. It took her a few moments to process and a few more to do more than smile delightedly back at him. "I'd like that, very much."

[stark_spangled]

She makes him laugh -- a real laugh, not the self-deprecating snickers or quiet chuckles he usually lets off, but a flash of white teeth and his head bowing in embarrassment instead, hand briefly covering his eyes.

"You won't have to worry about stiff breezes anymore," he says, coming back up for air. His eyes are dancing with merriment, although the way he feels is caught somewhere between pride that he's bigger and stronger, and wistfulness for that kid he used to be. He was never ashamed of who he was, he just wanted to do more. "If I have it my way, you won't have to worry about anything else for as long as you have to live."

As sappy as it is, he's as genuine as they come. Whatever happens between them, all he really wants is to make her happy. And the way she reacts? Boy, it makes him the happiest Joe on this ship. That smile on his face isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

"O-OK," he stammers, breathing a laugh. "I still don't know my right foot from my left, but if we're picking up where we left off, I've got time to learn."

[peggy_carter]

That laugh is gold to her, she has seen the darkness in his eyes and the deepened furrow that creased between his brows. He hadn't always looked so intense even if he felt it. He was bright and full of possibility. It was awful to see the loss of his idealistic view of the world, but that was something that had started with the grim realities of war. The brief, sparkling moment of his laughter was a return to who he was before he had seen quite so much.

She didn't think either of them had much to worry about anymore. At least here, there seemed to be little that they were facing that was worse than they had already seen. This star-ship was something new for them both, more-so for her but it was beyond anything either of them had imagined. It seemed fitting for a new start in a new place and a new era.

And his declaration of..of what? It wasn't love per-say but it was surely more than friendship. She reached out and took his hand, her fingers laced with his and the other closed over the top.

"I'll teach you." She'd said it before but this time there was more assurance in her tone. This wasn't saying goodbye, this was greeting a new life; together. "There is so much I would love to show you."

[stark_spangled]

It won't surprise her then to know the darkness is still there, and in a lot of ways deeper than it ever had been during the war. Things seemed so much simpler then than they do now. Some days he still feels like a performing monkey -- for Fury, for SHIELD, for the government, and now for Q -- after learning about Phase II, it's hard to trust things are always what they seem. But with Peggy's hands curled around his and her smile reaching all the way to her eyes, it's hard to be anything other than bright. It's like he's sitting in the sun.

He watches her hands, the way her fingers fit between his, the way their callouses match, how she embraces them with her free hand like something ... precious. Even with the first time she said those words echoing in his memory, he feels hopeful for the first time in years, in a way it's hard to pinpoint. It's like a feeling that he's ...

Home.

He runs his fingertips along the delicate bones of her hand, cradling their linked hands for a moment. Just a heartbeat, and then he's reaching for her jawline again, looking at her the way a dying man looks at heaven. Thumb grazing her cheek, he kisses her. It doesn't presume, it's gentlemanly to the point of being chaste, but it's filled with so much tenderness.

"Me too," he murmurs once he's pulled away, fighting the childlike urge to grin like an idiot. His cheeks are a little red. "There's nothing else pulling me away, so why don't we start now?"

For the first time, there are no interruptions. No gunfire, no grenades, no meetings, no missions. They can start right now. "I mean, not the dancing. Or we could -- I wouldn't complain. I mean ... Friday night. 8 o'clock. I'll -- I'll take you to dinner. Like a -- like a proper ... date."

And there's that hopelessly shy side of him again.

"But I mean, right now ... have you seen all of the ship? I could show you. I could even show you what it looks like in 2014 back home."

[peggy_carter]

He looked at her and she had never been gazed at that way before.It was all intensity and admiration and something gentle and protective all at once. As though he, like she, had found the place he truly belonged.

And then he kissed her, it wasn't fumbling or heated. There was nothing about it that forced or took, or demanded. It was like truth poured from him to her, open and honest with his heart. She made a soft sound and returned the kiss gently, her hand briefly moving to rest over his heart.

It was over in a moment, but it left an impression. Steve might not have vast amounts of experience with women but he was hitting all the right buttons with her. His spirit, his integrity had drawn her to him and he had manged to fold that into a kiss, well done Captain, well done.

He was speaking and she was listening with half an ear as her mind was lazily drinking him in, she almost missed what it was he was saying and scrambled to catch up to the conversation. A real date, something neither of them had had time for and both had dreamed of in their own way. His very suggestion was enough to have that smile pushing her cheeks higher and a bit of a red flush rise to her cheeks.

"We have time, I would like to be able to do things right this time. We don't need to rush or hide and we are both rational adults." They could set whatever pace they wanted and beholden to no one but themselves. She gave his hand a squeeze.

"No, I haven't seen beyond sick bay and my quarters really, today was the day I'd planned to find something to occupy myself." A plan which had worked far better than she could have dreamed.

[stark_spangled]

It's completely possible she's going to be the end of him with those soft sounds, and the way her touch is so light and so passionate all at the same time. He doesn't suppose she knows what it does to him, but that's not a bad thing. He's all eagerness and pent up feelings waiting to explode, and it takes discipline to go one step at a time.

He doesn't realize he's still grinning even after they've parted, his eyes caught up in her and his mind all tied in knots. He can barely think of anything at all besides the warmth of her hand on his chest. But her sensibleness finally brings him back to a little reason, and he clears his throat and tries to look serious.

"We are," he nods, with a good deal of respect in his voice. "If we were anything else, I'd expect Sister Margaret would have already been by to break us up. You know you're safe with me."

He covers her hand with his, and gives her fingers a squeeze. He means it in more ways than one -- whatever the days bring, he'll always put her first. "Can I escort you around the ship? There's an observation deck that will take your breath away, and if you don't know what the holodecks are yet -- well, you kind of have to see them to believe them."

[peggy_carter]

The grin made of sunlight, how can a man who has seen so much still be so happy? It astounds her as much as it fills her with hope. If he can be such, so can she. So can everyone.

"Sister Margaret?" She blinked for a moment wondering if there was something or someone she needed to be aware of. But then it dawned on her it was likely a joke from his upbringing. Sher seemed to recall him talking about such strict school mistresses or other.

"I know I'm safe with you, in every possible way save one, Steve." She spoke softly and with a gravity to her words. "Because I'm afraid you've already stolen my heart, you thief." The last given with a light mirthful laugh and a mischievous sparkle in her dark eyes.

"I'd love to tour the ship with you, since I suppose this is our new home. I mean for all of us here, not just you and I." Oh the thoughts she'd had though. Picket fences and toe headed children running in the yard and playing on a tire swing. She'd conjured images from idyllic pictures in imagines; what life could have been like if things had gone differently.

"Show me, Steve, I want to see everything with you."