[Personal Log:] A Dream is but a Dream... for peggy_carter

[stark_spangled]

Steve feels like he's just getting back on his feet. Not that he'd ever willingly admit it out loud, but losing Peggy for the second time in a row was hard on him. It took the better part of two years to get over her after waking up the first time ... and only then because he could see her, and talk to her in D.C. (once he worked up the nerve to pick up the phone). Even if time had different plans for them than dancing at the Stork Club and sharing a kiss on V-E Day, he still considered her one of his closest friends and most trusted confidantes.

And then he came here, and there she was. Not retired Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. Margaret Carter, but Peggy. His Peggy. Like looking back through time at the second chance they never got.

And he squandered it.

There's a part of him who believes he did the right thing. She lived a life after he "died". A good life, full of family, children, love; a life where she rose to all of her aspirations, not that he ever doubted she would. Director Carter. He's damn proud of her for that. Everyone on this ship talks about getting home, stopping Q, and could Steve have lived with himself if he took Peggy away from that life because he selfishly wanted his second chance? He finally broke down, asked her on a date, and maybe it was fate punishing him that sent Peg home before that date ever happened. Still, there's some other part of him that will always kick himself wondering what if?

It's taken a few months to stop brooding, mostly at the prodding and eye-rolling of his friends on board, but he thinks maybe things can get back to the way they were. Maybe he can move on this time.


And then he sees her again.

He's walking out of the room he shares with Akito on his way to the gym, pocketing an iPod that's going to run out of battery life eventually, when he catches her going into a room a few doors away out of the corner of his eye. Maybe he's just seeing things, but the way his chest constricts and his mouth turns to cotton is without reason.

"Peg?" he calls, twin lines forming between his brows, watching and waiting to see if the apparition turns back.

Comments

[stark_spangled]

It won't surprise her then to know the darkness is still there, and in a lot of ways deeper than it ever had been during the war. Things seemed so much simpler then than they do now. Some days he still feels like a performing monkey -- for Fury, for SHIELD, for the government, and now for Q -- after learning about Phase II, it's hard to trust things are always what they seem. But with Peggy's hands curled around his and her smile reaching all the way to her eyes, it's hard to be anything other than bright. It's like he's sitting in the sun.

He watches her hands, the way her fingers fit between his, the way their callouses match, how she embraces them with her free hand like something ... precious. Even with the first time she said those words echoing in his memory, he feels hopeful for the first time in years, in a way it's hard to pinpoint. It's like a feeling that he's ...

Home.

He runs his fingertips along the delicate bones of her hand, cradling their linked hands for a moment. Just a heartbeat, and then he's reaching for her jawline again, looking at her the way a dying man looks at heaven. Thumb grazing her cheek, he kisses her. It doesn't presume, it's gentlemanly to the point of being chaste, but it's filled with so much tenderness.

"Me too," he murmurs once he's pulled away, fighting the childlike urge to grin like an idiot. His cheeks are a little red. "There's nothing else pulling me away, so why don't we start now?"

For the first time, there are no interruptions. No gunfire, no grenades, no meetings, no missions. They can start right now. "I mean, not the dancing. Or we could -- I wouldn't complain. I mean ... Friday night. 8 o'clock. I'll -- I'll take you to dinner. Like a -- like a proper ... date."

And there's that hopelessly shy side of him again.

"But I mean, right now ... have you seen all of the ship? I could show you. I could even show you what it looks like in 2014 back home."

[peggy_carter]

He looked at her and she had never been gazed at that way before.It was all intensity and admiration and something gentle and protective all at once. As though he, like she, had found the place he truly belonged.

And then he kissed her, it wasn't fumbling or heated. There was nothing about it that forced or took, or demanded. It was like truth poured from him to her, open and honest with his heart. She made a soft sound and returned the kiss gently, her hand briefly moving to rest over his heart.

It was over in a moment, but it left an impression. Steve might not have vast amounts of experience with women but he was hitting all the right buttons with her. His spirit, his integrity had drawn her to him and he had manged to fold that into a kiss, well done Captain, well done.

He was speaking and she was listening with half an ear as her mind was lazily drinking him in, she almost missed what it was he was saying and scrambled to catch up to the conversation. A real date, something neither of them had had time for and both had dreamed of in their own way. His very suggestion was enough to have that smile pushing her cheeks higher and a bit of a red flush rise to her cheeks.

"We have time, I would like to be able to do things right this time. We don't need to rush or hide and we are both rational adults." They could set whatever pace they wanted and beholden to no one but themselves. She gave his hand a squeeze.

"No, I haven't seen beyond sick bay and my quarters really, today was the day I'd planned to find something to occupy myself." A plan which had worked far better than she could have dreamed.

[stark_spangled]

It's completely possible she's going to be the end of him with those soft sounds, and the way her touch is so light and so passionate all at the same time. He doesn't suppose she knows what it does to him, but that's not a bad thing. He's all eagerness and pent up feelings waiting to explode, and it takes discipline to go one step at a time.

He doesn't realize he's still grinning even after they've parted, his eyes caught up in her and his mind all tied in knots. He can barely think of anything at all besides the warmth of her hand on his chest. But her sensibleness finally brings him back to a little reason, and he clears his throat and tries to look serious.

"We are," he nods, with a good deal of respect in his voice. "If we were anything else, I'd expect Sister Margaret would have already been by to break us up. You know you're safe with me."

He covers her hand with his, and gives her fingers a squeeze. He means it in more ways than one -- whatever the days bring, he'll always put her first. "Can I escort you around the ship? There's an observation deck that will take your breath away, and if you don't know what the holodecks are yet -- well, you kind of have to see them to believe them."

[peggy_carter]

The grin made of sunlight, how can a man who has seen so much still be so happy? It astounds her as much as it fills her with hope. If he can be such, so can she. So can everyone.

"Sister Margaret?" She blinked for a moment wondering if there was something or someone she needed to be aware of. But then it dawned on her it was likely a joke from his upbringing. Sher seemed to recall him talking about such strict school mistresses or other.

"I know I'm safe with you, in every possible way save one, Steve." She spoke softly and with a gravity to her words. "Because I'm afraid you've already stolen my heart, you thief." The last given with a light mirthful laugh and a mischievous sparkle in her dark eyes.

"I'd love to tour the ship with you, since I suppose this is our new home. I mean for all of us here, not just you and I." Oh the thoughts she'd had though. Picket fences and toe headed children running in the yard and playing on a tire swing. She'd conjured images from idyllic pictures in imagines; what life could have been like if things had gone differently.

"Show me, Steve, I want to see everything with you."