stark_spangled | [PSL] Steve + Bucky, post-TWS [locked to irememberedhim]

The bloodstains are gone, but sometimes it's hard to walk into his kitchen without stopping to stare. The renovations took some time -- they weren't exactly top priority for Steve after leaving the hospital -- but his apartment is finally starting to look... normal.

Is that the word? Normal.

He grabs a water from the fridge and unscrews the cap, when there's a knock on the door. Instinctively, his eyes move to the shield propped less than three feet away. He's not planning to use it, but it's still good to know it's within reach.

"Bucky," he says, after checking the peephole and opening the door. It's habit, even if that's not a name The Winter Soldier has been answering to for a long time now; he'll always be James Buchanan Barnes to Steve. "Hey. Come in. Is everything OK?"

Bucky was standing at the door looking unsure and like he was going to end up bolting before the door was opened and he straightened up. "Steve..." He cleared his throat as he stepped inside slowly. "No. I mean...yes. Everything is fine. I...I came to find you." He said before looking around the apartment.

"I'm starting to remember things. A lot of things." He said, shifting a bit from foot to foot. "I...I remember you and home...You were different."

Steve tries to hide the rush of relief he feels. It's been a slow process, understanding just what they did to Bucky, what he's been through, how little he actually remembers; the last thing Steve wanted to do was scare him off by pushing too hard, but it hasn't been easy at times. He wants him to remember.

"Really?" he says, kicking himself for how desperate it comes out. He gives Bucky space to move inside and shuts the door behind him, turning the lock to be safe. He runs his hand through his hair and stands akimbo. So Steve fails at nonchalance a little. "How much do you remember? I mean, has there been anything in particular?"

He can't help the soft chuckle that slips out in answer to Bucky's last few words. "Yeah, I shopped at the big-&-tall store a lot less back then. And you used to call me a punk."

He studied Steve's face before smiling and nodding. "You were always fighting with everyone. Didn't know when to back down." He said hesitantly before he looked around the apartment again. "They fixed everything up nicely. After what I..." He stopped, frowning and looking down. "After what I did."

He let out a sigh before shaking himself. "I remember you would get sick a lot. I remember taking care of you after your ma died...even though you didn't want me to. You thought you were a burden." He bit his lip, pushing his fingers through his hair slowly. "I remember we were..." He didn't know if he should continue, didn't know if Steve still wanted that from him.

Hey, now. Bucky can't make a remark like that first one and expect he won't get a little lip from Steve. His returning smile is crooked, brows knit together. "They just didn't know when to show some respect."

The joviality on his features twists into regret and concern. He shakes his head, reaching one arm out to touch Bucky's shoulder before dropping it back to his side. It wasn't his fault, he was under orders, and Steve would say as much if he hadn't already moved on to the next set of memories.

His breath catches.

"We were close," he offers, adam's apple bobbing. He looks askance, in part not to pressure him and in part to hide his own heartache. "We barely had two pennies to rub together between us. I didn't want you to feel like you had to take care of me. I wanted to be able to stand on my own two feet. But that doesn't mean I didn't appreciate everything you did, the years we..."

He searches for the right word, and comes up empty. He affects another smile, smaller and sadder it may be, and nods over his shoulder. "Come on, you don't have to stand out here. I have a couch."

"Oh was that it?" He asked with a chuckle, moving through the apartment. He walked over to the couch and hesitated, shaking his head a bit. "I don't want to get your couch dirty. I haven't...I'm dirty. I've been sleeping..." He frowned, looking down at his hands, metal hand clenching before he covered it with his flesh hand.

"Sorry. I've been sleeping in abandoned buildings and stuff so I'm not exactly all that clean. I try to wash up when I can." He said, shrugging a shoulder and biting his lip.

"I remember we were close. I remember..." He stopped, looking down at the floor for a moment before continuing. "I remember one time....you'd been sick. Really sick and you were staying with me or you'd moved in? I can't remember exactly, but you were there and we were laying in my bed. I was watching you. I thought you were asleep and then you were telling me to stop staring at you. I smiled and then you kissed me..."

He remembers. Steve's heart leaps into his throat, and he takes an involuntary step forward, propelled by the ache of knowing Bucky's scrimping by homeless when Steve just wants to take care of him, to return the years Bucky gave him, to draw him in and hold him. Holding himself back is practically torture.

"... And I said if you were waiting on me to roll over and die on you, you'd be waiting a long time," Steve says, the humor in his voice strained. They'd made a pact that they'd stick with each other till the end of the line, and Steve had no plans on going anywhere. Not without Bucky. Not then, and not now. He shakes his head, breathing a quiet laugh. "Is... that OK? Those memories, they don't bother you?"

He doesn't look angry, so Steve hazards another step forward, wrapping his hand around Bucky's arm. He could stand to have a change of clothes. "If you think I'm worried about some dirt, then just wait until you remember the couch I used to sleep on. It's OK. You can clean up here, if you want to. I've got hot water and some clothes that should fit you."

He hesitates. Stay. It's on the tip of his tongue, but he doesn't say it just yet. If Bucky thinks he's going to let him leave tonight without some argument he's got another thing coming, though. That'll come in time.

"I didn't want you to die. I don't...you..." He looked pained, straining to bring up the memories that weren't strictly HYDRA. "I said you were my mission...I was wrong. I couldn't remember and I hurt you." He said, scrubbing a hand over his face before feeling Steve's hand against his skin. He looked at it and then back at him.

"They don't bother me. We were...you were my best friend, but we were more, weren't we? I feel it, but I still can't...quite remember. Not everything." He said before smiling softly, tilting his head. "I'd like that. If you really don't mind. I don't want to be a burden."

"You're not," he says, maybe a little more forcefully than he should have. The memories are painful for the both of them, and as Steve's free hand moves to the back of Bucky's neck his expression reflects that. But not in such a way that he looks unhappy; he just wants Bucky to understand how much he cares about him, without scaring him off. "You've never been a burden, Buck. Never. And everything that happened, I forgive you. I know you were confused."

He wets his lips, hunting for the right words. "Hey, you may be a lot stronger now, but I can still handle myself in a fight. Look, I'm fine now. All right?"

He smiles reassuringly.

"We were..." he hesitates, rewording things slightly. "I loved you very much. I still do. Back then, we were intimate with each other. I didn't tell you before because I knew you were having a hard time remembering, and I didn't want you to think that I -- that I expected anything from you that you weren't ready for. I care about you, Bucky. No matter what."

Bucky's eyes widened a bit when Steve moved in even closer and his hand found its way to the back of Bucky's neck. He stared at him before suddenly blushing and clearing his throat, looking down. He swallowed before shifting a bit.

"I think I remember it...a little." He said before lifting his head and looking at him again before stepping closer. "Steve..." He let his eyes trail down the other man's face and chest, reaching out and sliding his fingers down his chest slowly. "I want to...help me remember?"

At first he thinks he may have gone too far. Bucky looks startled, and Steve braces himself to be pushed away or attacked, ready to pull his hands back and give him some more space. But as his hands are slipping from his skin, Steve sees the creeping blush, and the way he takes that small step forward, and in this moment there's nothing that could snuff the hope in his chest. That impossible hope and trust and belief that refuses to be beaten down.

He covers the back of Bucky's hand, letting it skim his chest leaving wakes of fire in cotton that suddenly feels way too constricting. He sighs involuntarily, wishing they were skin to skin again. It's been so long.

"Bucky..." He squeezes his hand. Ever since finding him, he's been hoping he'd hear those words. "I'm right beside you, every step of the way. It's always been you and me, always."

He brushes Bucky's hair back with his fingertips. "Do you... want me to tell you about it? I could probably talk till morning, and still have stories to spare. Or-- or are you asking... I mean, would it be OK if I, um. Is it OK if I kiss you?"

Bucky nodded, biting his lip. "Both. I mean..." He frowned at himself, brows furrowing before speaking. "I would like you to tell me....everything. Even if it does take until morning, but I also...yes you can kiss me." He said, nodding again and tilting his head slightly.

He cleared his throat, looking Steve over slowly before locking eyes with him. "Just...don't let me overstay my welcome. If you need me to leave, tell me. I don't want to make things hard for you. Not when I know I'm a wanted man." He said, looking down. "I know eventually I have to turn myself in, but I want this first. I want to remember who I was..."

Slowly, a smile breaks through the serious set of his face, lopsided and amused, and maybe just a little teasing around the edges. His mind drifts to a dozen different conversations they've had in years long past where he can remember, almost word for word, saying the same thing. Don't let me overstay my welcome. If you need me to leave, tell me. I don't want to make things hard for you. I can get by on my own if I need to. You don't have to sleep on the couch, I don't mind sharing the bed. Stop trying to pawn all the blankets off on me; c'mere, and we'll keep each other warm.

His thumb brushes Bucky's cheek, affection replacing all of his amusement as he leans in, tenderly brushing his lips against Bucky's. Two soft, shallow pecks, and one lingering kiss, but all easy and undemanding.

"Even I forgot what a dummy you are," he murmurs sweetly, easing back into their old rapport, hoping Bucky remembers enough to take it as the term of endearment it was meant to be and not an insult. He rests their foreheads together for a brief moment. "I want you to stay, as long as you want. Now that there's no SHIELD to put taps on my apartment, nobody has to know you're here until you're ready to tell them."

Everything Bucky said is true. Steve should hand him over to the proper authorities, see that justice is done, but above all else Bucky is his friend. If there's some way he can help him, some way to clear his name, anything, he's going to find it before he lets anyone else put their hands on him. "I want you, Buck. I want you here with me. If... that's what you want."

Bucky couldn't help himself as he leaned into that touch, eyes falling shut for a moment before he felt Steve's lips against his own and he opened them again. He kissed back each time, slowly grasping at his shirt to keep him close. He smiled a bit when their foreheads were pressed together, chuckling.

"Never said I was anything but, punk." He murmured back, licking his lips as he listened to Steve. "Just...promise me if I become a burden that you'll tell me. I don't want to cause trouble for you, Stevie." He said, tilting his head a bit before initiating the next kiss, letting it linger as well, obviously reluctant to pull away. "You give me an offer like that I might never leave."

He smiled, stepping back and looking around before looking down at himself again. "So I think you mentioned something about hot water and fresh clothes? Think I could take you up on that offer?"

[PSL] Steve + Bucky, post-TWS [locked to irememberedhim]

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