[Personal Log] It's Just an Old-Fashioned Love Song ; Peggy Carter, Deck 7

[stark_spangled]

[Right after this happens...]


Peggy. Peggy is on the Enterprise.

Bucky had been upset -- whatever they talked about had really done a number on him -- but all Steve can think about is Peggy is on the ship. At first he thought she would be old, much like he was even if he didn't look it; the Peggy he left in DC. As Bucky ranted and raved, it became clearer that it was more possible it was the Peggy he knew during the war. Steve has a hard time processing that, even if her picture never leaves his mind.

Once Bucky's settled, and Steve's sure he's not going to do anything to hurt himself, he moves into the halls, bent on hunting down the chief of security. If Peggy is here, he'll know where she is. There's a ball of nerves nestled tight under his ribcage, making him anxious, impatient, aggravated when he can't find the lieutenant, movements quick and choppy. For whatever reason he needs to find her, and he needs to find her now. He's about to start knocking on doors until he finds the right one, but his eyes drift to the computers instead.

Right. This shouldn't be too hard. Steve walks to the wall panel, leaning both palms against it, and stares blankly at the LCARS display. "Uh. Computer? Do you have a Margaret 'Peggy' Carter on file?" It chimes, and the automated voice answers: "Peggy Carter is located on Deck 7, Room #0733."

Steve cranes his neck down the hall, pushing off in the direction of her room before he remembers his manners.

"Thanks," he says, before jogging away from the computer. His feet move quick, that ball of nerves turning into a small boulder; he doesn't know why he feels nervous, why he's breathing fast and fighting off panic, why he has to get down the hall as fast as he can to make her door chime sound, why every second he waits outside, hoping for her to answer, is a kind of slow torture he was never trained for -- but that's where he finds himself, braced against the doorjamb, hoping she'll answer.

Comments

[stark_spangled]

It all feels like a walk in the park at first, her smile and Steve's laughter, the comfort that comes from having her beside him, the way her hand curls around his elbow and he involuntarily keeps his arm crooked the way a gentlemen would. He's missed her spark, too: the way she gives no quarter, pointing out his flaws in tandem with her own (not that he would ever deny it); the cut of her jib, and her easy poise.

It's enough to make him want to tease back, to fall into idle conversation about the Stork Club, or that day back in Brooklyn, or Howard Stark, or really anything other than what they're going to talk about. He doesn't get the chance before he senses the hitch in her step, watching the color drain from her face. His smile instantly turns into a frown of concern, and he slides his hand over the one trembling at his elbow.

"Hey," he says gently, half turning to face her. "I'm OK, Peg. I promise. For me it was like taking a nap. A really, really long nap."

His lips twitch, but the humor is forced and a little flat. His fingers curl around hers. "I missed out on some really great years, but the future isn't so bad. The worst part of it was knowing that all that time you thought I was dead. I'm-- I'm sorry. I wish I could have done things differently."

[therightpartner]

Part of her knows that she shouldn't react until she's alone. She's been hoping for this moment for too long to ruin it but the idea of what Steve had went through is too terrible to be simply pushed aside. Even if Steve is telling the truth and it had been relatively painless, it still is horrifying.

Swallowing hard, she manages a faint quirk of her lips that perhaps they both can pretend is a smile. "Of course it was. With all the finest amenities." At least her voice doesn't crack or betray the guilt she knows will be shadowing her thoughts.

"If things had gone differently, then Schmidt would have won." It's one of the beliefs Peggy had clung to so the grief didn't get the better of her. It still had at times, but she'd always managed to struggle through it.

"You can't regret not being there with us or for making the same decision we all would have made." Slowly her smile becomes more genuine despite the guilt. "There's no need to apologize. You were saved and you're here now. That's what truly matters."

[stark_spangled]

He knows when she's bottling up, holding back, and as much as he has always loved her smile, right now it's breaking his heart. He doesn't know what to do, and that's not a good feeling.

So he takes his cues from her, smiling tightly, tenderly pushing her hair behind her ear. He breathes a wry laugh. He wouldn't have known even if there was a 5-star hotel buried under the ice with him, but he doesn't joke about it. Not this time. There may not be anything he can say to keep her from her regrets, just like there's nothing she can say to keep him from his. Fact is, he does regret not being there with them till the end of it all. He does regret not asking her out on a proper date.

But he doesn't regret his choice to stop Schmidt, no matter the cost. And they both know it.

"Yeah," he answers lamely. At least now she knows what really happened to him, and he can make up for that one thing. "And Peg? There isn't anyone I would have trusted more to keep doing what we started than you."

He makes sure she can see the depth of his sincerity in his eyes. If she were to fall apart right now it wouldn't ruin a thing in Steve's mind; he's not asking her to be OK with everything that happened, and he's not asking her to accept his apologies, but above everything else he wants her to know he's proud of her.

[therightpartner]

For what feels like a long time, she simply watches him, taking in the little details that would tell her the truth. Almost everyone thought Steve was a terrible liar, but she knew that he could when needed. Before the serum he had been forced to pretend that the world's insults hadn't bother him just as Peggy had. If hiding the truth meant she wasn't hurt, then that was what Steve would do.

But the signs aren't there. It hadn't been as awful as her imagination supplied, or if it had, he didn't remember it.

"There were a few bobbles along the way but I did what I could." Even if that had been serving coffee to agents who didn't have a bit of common sense. "Or... I will?" The words come out more as a question because she hasn't exactly had that much impact on their work. Howard had promoted her but she hadn't even had a chance to speak with him before she'd ended up on the Enterprise.

For a moment, that thought is almost as important as knowing that Steve is alive. After all the setbacks and doubt, she had done something important. "It's really not fair that you know so much about me. You should tell me about how you got here." That should be a relatively safe topic.

[stark_spangled]

He watches her sharp eyes dance over him like she can see straight through him, right down to the marrow, and instead of feeling uncomfortable it just makes him smile. Small, and affectionate, and a little bashful, wistfully remembering all the looks that preceded this one. Even in the heat of conflict, they'd always found time.

It's probably not the answer she's hoping for, but there's pride in his eyes to go with the knowing grin. Past, present, and future, Peggy has always been his greatest support. His ally, and his standard. In a lot of ways, she was always the better of the two of them.

"I promise, it's all good things," he laughs, offering her his arm before he turns back to the path ahead. His steps are slow and absent, his mind more on the question and all the things he should (and cannot) say. "The story's not that interesting. I've taken up working with a -- international security agency. One of the headquarters is in Washington, D.C.. That's where I was when suddenly I found myself in the middle of the bar here. I think I was one of the first to arrive."

He glances at her, the look lingering long past casual. "How about you? Where were you when you were brought aboard?"

[therightpartner]

It shouldn't be so easy to fall into the roles that they'd had before. So much had changed for them both but in some ways, it seems like nothing had. Steve still had that shyness that had seemed to conflict with the sheer stubborn drive that had impressed her during his training. Perhaps if he hadn't smiled at her like that - the same sort of smile that had always made her heart flutter no matter how much it made her feel like a foolish schoolgirl - things would seem different.

"I don't completely believe that. There are always mistakes." But her voice sounds more hopeful than her usual seriousness. Honestly, there are times when Peggy wonders how she kept her sanity during the last few months.

"I'm sure that it was more interesting than you've let on." But if Steve didn't want to talk about it, she won't push for answers. "But all of that is classified?" It's an easy solution and one that Peggy really won't have to rely since most of her work had been as a secretary.

The thought causes her to hesitate a moment, not wanting to ruin their reunion with those frustrations. "I returned to the States after the war and worked for the SSR. Howard had just called to announced that I would be running his latest project."

Looking up at him, she laughed softly. "I cleaned out my desk and stepped onto the lift. When I stepped off, I was here."

[stark_spangled]

Maybe it's because Steve and Peggy have lived relatively the same amount of years apart that makes this easier. There are no 70 years of memories, no children or grandchildren, no modern D.C. to contend with their reunion. Just the soldier, and his best gal.

"Classified, yeah," he nods slowly, because that is a complicated question to answer. In his day she's long been retired, but is there really anything a former Director of SHIELD couldn't know? Before he can think too long on it, she's continuing. He looks at her, piecing together the year she must be coming in from down to the exact month. Her career is one of the first things he caught himself up on after the Battle of New York. "What kind of project?"

He may already know the answer, but it's smarter to let her tell him herself.

[therightpartner]

Classified, just like Howard's new project, but she knows that Stark would have recruited Steve along with her if it had been possible. And if she is chosen as Director, then it's her choice to tell Steve.

"S.H.I.E.L.D. Howard chose me as Director. He was one of the few left that thought I might have a use outside of the office." The frustration she'd felt before has been tempered by her new circumstances, distance soothing old wounds. "Not everyone was as willing to have a woman out in the field as you were."

But that doesn't seem to be a problem now. The ship is a wonder in its equality. Peggy's seen every sort of person imaginable and some she never would have thought of important roles. "It seems that in the future, that problem has been corrected. It makes me hopeful that things will get better."

[stark_spangled]

The shift in his demeanor will be noticeable to someone like Peggy, as subtle as it is. OK, so she knows about S.H.I.E.L.D.. There are a lot of long decades ahead, a lot of history and missions -- not all of which Steve has the clearance to know about -- but at least tiptoeing around the future has gotten a little easier.

"I've heard of it," he says, in his dry Brooklyn way. He pulls up short when she continues, the lopsided smirk knocked from his face. "What?"

It shouldn't surprise him, really. He remembers the way things were, the way things sometimes still are; but Peggy Carter was a war hero long before he disappeared. Decorated, dedicated, her competence beyond dispute. What general or director in their right mind would stick her in an office? Steve's brows knit, unhappiness marking his face.

"We've still got a lot of work to do," he mutters, lumping himself in with the rest of the country and the world beyond that. If the climate isn't changing, it's as much his fault as it is anyone else's, and he takes responsibility for that. "But it's definitely not the world it was before the war. I'm sorry it didn't change faster."

She'll know that final remark is more of a veiled 'I wish I could have been there to teach those schmoes a lesson' than an apology. He knows Peggy took care of herself, so while he can't say he doesn't wish he was there to look out for her, it's more like he can't stand the idea of any fellow, high rank or not, squandering their best chances at rebuilding based on prejudice.

[therightpartner]

"You have? Let me guess... that's classified as well." She doesn't expect an answer but it does seem possible that Steve might have worked with S.H.I.E.L.D.. She's about to tease him about that when she notices the sudden seriousness, confused by it for a moment. "The office? I was demoted after the war. No one would put a woman in the field. Even one who had fought beside Captain America."

Especially one who had fought beside Captain America. She wouldn't tell him the rumors of how she had earned her place with the Howling Commandos. Not unless he demanded it. "My role in the war has changed from soldier to damsel in distress." Keeping her tone light, she gives him a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes. "Every great hero needs someone to rescue."

Squeezing his arm, her expression steadies as she looks up at him. "You gave me a chance, Steve. You changed the world in that moment. It's not your fault that those idiots couldn't see things the way you did." Pausing for a moment, mischief brightens her eyes. "Although, there were times when I would imagine you teaching Dooley a lesson in manners."